Doml #4 -- 2023/04/07

shit shit shit shit shit

today has been shit, i hated existing at every moment of today, there was nothing good about this

first, short but painful day, i was tired today, shit ( but short ) lessons and just bad, then the first 2 classes were lithuanian, made my lithuanian teacher hate me, she even basically said for me to shut up, but yk, in a corporate type of way, like 'stfu nobody cares' => 'please dont say anything else', i had to present a thing with my group and i was stuttering, i was very stressed, i cant speak without stuttering when im stressed, i have to either talk really fast or i stutter, in this case both happened, my lithuanian teacher got pissed at me and now she probably hates me, then i had to rate my own work, i did my work, i worked with my group, i helped to manage the group and shit so i rated myself 4/10 for at least doing the work, then i realised my friend didnt like my opinion about the thing i was presenting and probably another reason why the lithuanian teacher told me to stop talking mid way through my reading, so i corrected my grade from 4/10 to a 3/10, i could lie and give myself a 10/10 like most others, but i really dont want to get into trouble and just get an even worse grade than 3/10 lol, this is my reasoning why i gave myself a 3/10 to my teacher ( translated from lithuanian to english ) :

4/10, i was working but when i presented, i got very stressed and nervous about it, i don't think i should get a 2 because i helped the team, worked, did my part of the job and tried to organize the team ( for example, i helped to assign tasks, tried to manage [ classmate's ] refusal to work, i checked how things were going, etc.), but i dont know how well i did and it was clear that the teacher didn't like my part, so considering everything, i think i should get at least a passing grade -- 4.

3/10 that + my opinion was bad

my opinion about the book i was presenting was this ( once again translated ) :

i did not like the book "benedikto slenkščiai" . this book seemed superficial and boring to me . the first chapter was not bad, as it talked about benedicts childhood, but the other slenkščiai, when he grew up, were tedious and i barely wanted to read them .

in my opinion, the author described benedicts life in too much detail, which could have been conveyed in a shorter way . also, there are not enough interesting details in the book that could inspire the reader to read further . the last chapters ( slenkščiai ) were sad and poor, with a lot written about sex and love, as if we hadnt read about it in recent years . in my opinion, the author also described these topics in too much detail, which could have been conveyed in a shorter way, but with more interest .

my final rating for this book would be 4/10, because although the book is not the worst, it does not have enough interesting details to captivate the reader .

same thing happened in art, except this time i had points to work with, still got a 3/10, but eh, basically i had my work ( mosaic ) finished and the art teacher told me to rate myself, the points ( every point has 2 points max ) were given to me and all i had to do was to rate myself, here are the points, scores and reasons i gave :

so yeah, conclusion to this is that i suck at school, i am a literal fucking failure, didnt even manage to get a 4/10

since DOML #3 some shit happened too, for example i quit my IT club ( due to depression ), i quit therapy ( do i even deserve it lmfao ) and so on, fell back in and out of my depressive episode, begun noticing how much hairloss im having, probably due to anorexia and shit, i keep having panic and anxiety attacks, nothing is good, everything in my life is going to shit and i cant to anything about it, but at least one funny thing happened which is how my physics teacher gave my notebook to the school psychologist without telling me ALL BECAUSE I WRITE IN SMALL LETTERS ONFG WHAT THE FUCK LMAO

i think my friends also begun hating me, idk, they seem different to me, it feels like they hate me for no reason and it seems to clear to me that they just dont like me anymore, i think i should stop talking to them but even then wouldnt that be rude

everything makes me sad and / or feels like theyre hating me, its just shit

in conclusion i suck, im stupid, everyone and -thing seemingly hates me and everything in my life is going to shit and i cannot do anything about it lmao

goodbye lol, cya next time ig