doml #7 -- 2023/08/23

i have so much to talk about, i am so sorry i havent posted a doml in so long

start of the summer was pretty chill, i mainly spent it at home, doing nothing, when one day a friend called me to go out to a concert i was not planning on going to, but after rejecting it once he said 'come anyway' so well, i did, in that concert i donated some money to some org and whatnot and then it was awkward after, although that friend picked a random person and basically made us converse, we bonded instantly, lets call her 'gzodis', gzodis and me shared a lot of same problems, doctors even, in general life stuff and we bonded over it, turns out her friend is also my crush and she knows a lot of mutuals and whatnot, gzodis then joined my friend grp, she was a good fit, it was fun but thats where the lore starts

gzodis is very extroverted and i am very introverted, meaning i had to adapt, we hung out basically daily and stuff, we did a fuckton of shit together, for example get high together, write a fuckton of shit under bridges and whatnot, many sentimental things like that and genuinely i feel like shes my best friend even after like idk 2-3 months of knowing her as of today, she is genuinely amazing and we click together, although we do face issues

first major thing that happened had police involved even, i dont feel comfortable sharing her name and let alone details of this, but i ran out in shorts on midnight to call police, they showed up in 11 fucking minutes ( WHEN IT WAS EXTREMELY URGENT ) but anyway, besides that, it went horribly, turned out to be a false alarm, but a very loud and scary false alarm, this shit made both of us feel like total shit, it broke down our relationship terribly and we thought wed never talk again, at that time i just couldnt myself, trauma, trauma i say, during that week a fuckton of shit more happened, overall, horrible shit and it just oof, it broke down her, me and her friends ( her friends are an inseparable part of her so usually how she feels affects her friends in a similar way i feel like, at least from my perspective ), after all of it passed, we were good again, hoping this would never happen again and to be fair nothing like that happened again, although during it ( literally a day after this all started ) something bad happened again, it didnt involve gzodis, but it involved me, camera, live, and overall just almost repeated the second day ( the event ) again by accident, you can take this paragraph as 2 breaking points,, but ...

there was another breaking point, actually quite recent, me and her got into kinda a fight, and as this is the 3 rd time something like this happens i was scared for it to repeat again and i decided to just suggest ending the relationship on good terms, we did to be fair, but it was sad, i explained why and how and whatnot and she knew all of it, not from me, but yeah, she knew, n!t sure who told her, but yeah, anyway, sometimes i am scared of her and her friends and i do have reasons, i know and knew why and she is getting better at it, which im glad, im hoping after these 3 breaking points there wont b a 4 th and then a 5 th and then a 6 th and then ..., im scared of it repeating and i hope it doesnt,,

gzodis was probably the biggest event during this shitty summer, its crazy how much happened in this short period of time and its just crazy, we clicked so good, we exploded apart, we got back together, we exploded again and now were good again, im glad, but well see what the future holds for us, im hoping i can replace the void my best friend of 10 ( would b 11 soon ) left in me

now, speaking of my best friend, this summer we broke apart, i couldnt take it anymore and just idk, its extremely sad, i still grief about it today, it was 10 yrs, so many memories, conversations, words said to one another, i remember our minecraft phase for example when we used to build worlds / minimaps for one another, how we used to talk in our own language in 2 nd grade in lessons, how we, well used to now, exchange gifts, how we used to go on birthday things, i think its all over and i am very sad about it, its honestly depressing much time we spent together and all for it to just end, i understand that friends come and go but you know, 10 yrs, ten years is quite literally 2/3 rds of my life, im hoping sometime as adults we can meet and discuss our memories and b friends again, hopefully less troubled and wiser with a lot to share, happier than before

this summer i also got in touch with my old friend corbin, we met through minecraft a few yrs ago ( back in 2020-21 ? ) when i was really into minecraft stuff, he was nice, very nice, i honestly miss him, but he has changed, when i got in touch with him we called and he seemed apathetic and cold, idk, something about him just is changed and he isnt the same anymore, he used to b sweet, caring and just nice from what i remember, we used to talk so much online even 7000 km apart, we used to play minecraft, talk about stuff, do random things and stay up talking, i remember once i fell asleep on call and corbin also fell asleep with me so i just woke up to corbin sleeping on call with me and it was honestly so wholesome lol, that day nobody was home and i was tired and didnt know what to do, so out of the boredom i just fell asleep as i was restless that day, today i remembered a song he listened with me on call with me once and said 'this is the song that keeps me alive' or something along the lines of that, today i literally looked up 'cat singing boop beep song' and found it -- and i am very glad, i left an open letter to him lol :

i miss you corbin, if you ever see this and remember this song, i am ari, i remember you listening to this song once, i think you were going through a touch episode that day and im genuinely remembering this now, missing the day when we were on a call and overall talking to u, u were a good friend, although the sad thing is that uve changed and i dont think our relationship would b the same, but i do miss and appriciate every moment we had together, i know its stupid for me to write an open letter to u on a song u listened to 2-3 yrs ago, but i dont care lol, i just want to let my thoughts spill and maybe ull remember when we listened to this together and find this, thank you corbin for all ur time, memories ( even though 7000 km apart ) and genuinely being my friend, and even though our relationship wouldnt b the same anymore, i will always cherish everything we did together

and saw my comment 2 yrs ago ( im assuming 3 soon ) saying

""" Lyrics : Baby blue buildings far above the crystal grove Magenta plated terrace with a table and a stove Guarded golden railing just to frame the pretty stars Fix that old piano and the birds will fall apart """


honestly pretty funny how it went from 'lmao what' to 'corbin, i miss you and all the memories we had together, i just want u to know that i appreciate you and time we spent together' or something along the lines of that

corbin was 1 out of 4 really cool people ive met through minecraft, one of them reached out to me, found me, sly, i remember we had a bedrock realm named [redacted] or something, i remember we had a website for it, i still have the sources for it, i have a pic of him too, and his phone number lol, everything he gave me access to i still have lol, i am very unsure how he found me but i can only assume old comments, my website or looking my full name up lol, he emailed me asking me if i remember him and i literally begun shaking, my autistic ass cannot handle that much happiness at once, i gave him my discord right after he emailed me, i cant wait to talk to him, i missed him and was hoping that this day would come, i remember how badly our relationship ended, cheating, ( skiddy ) hacking, destroying, anger, etc,, it ended on quite bad terms, but i am glad he reached out a while later lol

there were 2 more people i can only hope to find in this wide world, mff ( shortened bc privacy ) and some other guy i cant put my finger on really and eva, eva and me were friends from an lgbt support grp iirc and we bonded over minecraft ( also there was some guy named max in that group which was very cool, he was a skater alien green heart type of person, also rodrigo which was like a parent figure for me online, now a role my best friend holds ), all of us ( me, eva, mff and the other guy ( he associates with colour yellow for me ) ) were friends until something happened and then it all went to shit, i think it mightve happened during when me and sly broke down ? i can only imagine what went down lol

minecraft era was mainly about friends for me, but i have no clue why im talking about this in a doml, well its kinda related bc well stuff happened and minecraft was the game that bonded and broke relationships for me, i might b a propriatary software and micropenis hater, but i am thankful i had my minecraft phase

this summer was really friends, memories, sentimental stuff oriented,, as per me, i didnt do much, i thought id do way more this summer, but this summer is shitty overall

i worked on a silly bot called 124 for my friend group to use, pretty cool, i like it, developed a library called rebelai for it, now currently working on re-doing pwdtools from scratch and more modular and re-usable, i got new hardware too, which is nice, although its so new my for example wifi card doesnt work lol, i have to use a wifi adapter ( pls someone ( fucking mediatek ) implement a driver for mediatek 7902, i only have exp in basic drivers in linux, from stuff i see the demand is growing and ye ), currently doubled the ram ( 8 gigs instead of 4 ), a much better cpu ( amd ryzen 5 7530u ) and overall nicer hardware, im glad i have this compared to my old laptop lol, this is so much nicer to work with, the ram is probably what made the biggest diff for me, im so glad i got a ram upgrade lol

this summer i went from vegetarian to vegan because of multiple developed allergies and intolerances, my self-harm and eating disorder stuff has gotten better which is cool i guess, not a clue how or why but it happened, but idk, i feel like when school starts its all going to go to shit

i tried out for example weed, which was nice, actually the thing that restored hope in my life kinda, it was a huge wakeup call when my anxiety, depression and whatnot became so clear and me just like always living with it, it was such a mind boggling exp and idk, im glad i did i guess ?

my relationship with my parents is getting better, which is also very cool, im glad ive gotten to a point where i can stay with for example my mother in the same room for a big before my anxiety takes hold of me, or be comfortable enough to talk abt things like makeup with her casually, or literally have an lgbt flag on my wall displayed, overall just like being comfortable around her is something i never really saw happening, but it did, its happening and i am so glad it is, theyre also respecting my privacy more and im just very thankful everything like this currently

im turning 16 in less than a month ( sep 10 th ), turning a 10 grader even sooner ( IN 8 DAYS ), getting my ID pic taken too ( i am restless, ill look even worse than i would have if i slept in it ), next summer im working, who knows if ill even pass grade 10, 10 th exams, overall high expectations, im very scared for 10 th grade, and i know my grades will b shit, for example the mathematics trigonometry course is giving me shiver right now, im going to do so bad and im so sure about it, i hate it, even thinking abt it gives me the worst anxiety ever, i feel terribly overwhelmed with it and its not even started yet, idk, ill see what will happen but oh god ...

im hoping to make most of this academic yr and not fail, hoping to at least get a 4 so i could pass lol, and im hoping to do more in terms of self

i feel scared of growing up and its soon, in 2 yrs i will b considered a legal adult and i barely know wtf a pvm is 💀 im scared of the future, im anxious abt everything that could happen lol, i know literally nothing and idk, im just lost yk

anyway, as u can tell this summer pretty boring and in terms of self i barely did anything, eventwise this summer was pretty bad, but my summer did have some hidden jewels scattered around, im happy im here currently, but i would not like to relive most of this summer lol, but i also dont want for time to go by either so idk, i just wanna b stuck in time happily living my life as is currently

thanks for listening to my rambling